Face to face with a mirror

So…Hi. I was laying down on my bed thinking about how i was feeling this days. Most party of the time i’m anxious so i spend my time watching serie, practicing clavier or annoying my cat.

This year is my 24th birthday and i don’t have anything that i imagined i would have when i was 25. I thought I would have graduated, would have a job and that i would been in a relationship with the person I would been married. But before this point in my life i already have had i job, i have had someone in my life that i married and i was close to graduated. Was for a short time but i had.

I traveled for more countries then most of people that i know, 7 so far. I had more relationships that most of people, 5 meaningful — without counting the casuals ones — one that we lived together. I speak two languages — still working on the second one as you can see. 5 close friends — that’s the limited a human being can have according to science. I’m openly bissexual and i have a religious mom that accept me. I tried a list 3 kinds of drugs and still counting. I mean, i lived more that most of people will ever live. I didn’t knew what kind of people i would become but i knew what kind i wish i become.

I been “there” and i don’t even noticed. My teenage horizon. Maybe because my horizon meant stability and that i never had. I take 3 pills every day, two medications for depression and anxiety. I have a credit card debt of R$ 1148,33 + R$ 500,00 debt with a friend. No job, no mental health to work, no rush to graduated.

I tried so hard to keep moving, to keep chasing my horizon that i forgot to take care of myself, in fact no one told me that i should take care of me. So i never thought about it. That’s how i got myself here. When my sister died i just keep moving, grabbed myself with school’s staff and college application. When the first rape happened i tried to move on, when i got myself out of that abuse relationship i did the same. Pretend that somehow i could just runway from what hurts me. But somethings hurt you sou badly that no matter how fast you run stick with you. It’s sticks with me. And now i don’t have an option to run.

Mental illnesses are incurables and that’s means that for the rest of my life i’ll live with depression and anxiety. But i can live a “normal” and happy life with the right style of life. Right now what concern me is that this style could not exist in my carrier. If this is true that will be the harder thing i every quit. I love work in teams, I love see the progress and I love see the product that we made together. i love every step of the process of creating a software. I love the nerd stuff. I really do. I already choose the company i want to work on, but right now my futures depends from the answer of this friends that works there.